School kills me. |
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Sorry for this shitpost. I just need to vent for a bit. So here's my story. School has only made my life worse. I was bullied from P5 to P6 by my classmates. I was ostracised and discriminated for offering my personal opinions. I has a crush back then and she meant everything to me - cute laugh, alluring voice and a smile that would warm my heart. One fateful day I confessed to her (through a letter) and it marked the beginning of my downfall. She never talked to me since and that letter got passed around to everyone and all my classmates had their own little joke about how "creepy" I was. The only time I was honest and expressed my true feelings for someone, I became a laughing stock. I was shattered inside as people teased and made fun of me over and over and over again, every single day. I became a punching bag. People saw that I was weakened from the mental damage I sustained and proceeded to take advantage of me - abusing me both physically and verbally. "Yeah I know you're desperate for her." "Come come guys lets move out of the way for Damster to stare at her again." "Your drawings are shit." "Ya la ya la you're so smart right? Go away lah, smart kid!" I still remember that time when my classmates made fun of me in public. I still remember that time when my classmates shamed me for coming from a "poor" family. I still remember that time when one of my classmates purposefully held my crush's hand just to make me feel jealous. Life back then was like a movie without a climax - absolutely miserable. I felt oppressed and worthless. Barely anyone talked to me during those two whole years of hell and sometimes I felt like I was going insane when sitting in a corner doodling. Doodling as I watched various cliques having so much fun. I was so lonely that I would cuddle with a stuffed toy, pretending that its a loved one, and crying myself to sleep day after day. I still do :') I lost my social skills and developed a speech impediment. I couldn't talk properly, I stuttered when asking questions. It got so bad to the point where I became terrified of ordering food and would go out of my way to avoid it. I grew thinner and thinner. I felt so tired that I didn't want to do anything at all. What were the teachers doing when all of this was happening? "Again and again I'm telling you, just ignore them!" F**k you, you little piece of shit. What an interesting way of saying "I'm too lazy and incompetent to help you.". I felt so hopeless, like a prisoner in my own body and I thought I was going mad. At least I had gotten a 251 for PSLE. "Your exam results are all that matter!" Eat my ass, dad. Have fun with your mentally handicapped child. Fast forward to secondary school. Entered one of the schools with a high PSLE cut-off point. IP programme. SAP school. Shouldn't be too bad, right? The classmates there are fine, but now its the teachers who are badgering me. Truth be told, they don't teach, instead they love threatening us. "Stop doodling or I'll give you a demerit point!" What kind of f**king education is this? I get that it's wrong to doodle in class as it's a sign of disrespect for the speaker, but what if some students don't get the drift? They won't learn anything meaningful from the nastiness dished out. "You did something wrong. Write me a reflection letter and if I don't like it, you will re-write it." Okay... now what the f**k's the point of a reflection letter when its contents have to revolve around what you personally enjoy reading and not my actual thoughts about the given situation? You just want control over your students, don't you? There's no freedom of speech. Here's an experience I had: PREVIOUSLY Me: *Route A to my math class was blocked. Have to use route B.* Me: *Arrives at class late.* 2 DAYS LATER Me: *Route A AND B to my math class were both blocked. Had to use route C.* Teacher: "Why were you late?" Me: "Oh, the route was blocked so I had to find another." Teacher: "This isn't the first time the route was blocked off. That is not a valid excuse." Me: "However, this is the first time both routes that I have been using for the past two terms were blocked. Add to that, I wasn't quite aware of route C and therefore had to spend extra time locating it." Teacher: "Okay, go stand at the back of the class as punishment for being late." ???????????? WHAT? This teacher punishes people for things that they are not in control of, demonstrating absolute intolerance for folks who have no access to information that wasn't even disclosed in the first place. No empathy. Not a human. He also doesn't take his students' words into proper consideration, what's the point of even reasoning with him? He is the kind of teacher who succeeds in making students feel worthless because in his eyes, everything a student does is wrong and he gets to decide whether to accept explanations tendered by students based solely on his prevailing mood at that point in time. It's like criticizing a historian for not knowing how to do algebra. F**king irrelevant ain't it? More, more more bullshit occurring in my school, so read on! (This one happened to one of my classmates.) "You didn't complete the assignment I gave you? Then I shall give you even more homework as punishment!" Say what??? The above student is already struggling with a current particular topic and is trying so very hard to catch up with the rest of the class, yet he is further burdened unnecessarily because of this? It's not really a punishment anymore when the impact of it can be detrimental to the receiver - the poor student's overall academic progression may have actually been adversely affected because of this extra homework levied (Homework on topics he has already learnt mind you.) which may, as a result, f**k up his final exam grade due to the fact that he may not have sufficient time to complete revision of everything? How shallow-minded can these teachers get... There was once I walked into an unauthorized examination area. Yes, it was wrong of me but the way I got treated afterwards was just.... ??????? "Stupid! Look at these no-brainers! Do you even know who is permitted to enter those areas? *Takes out phone* Going to snap a photo of you two idiots and SHAME you utterly !" Although she did (very, very briefly) explained to me why I shouldn't be there, she spent half the session verbally attacking me. How is this even allowed? It suggests that my school supports the idea of using personal attacks, insults and manipulating students' emotions (fear in this instance) as a form of education. This took place just two days ago: The teacher told us to take out our study materials to revise for an upcoming test. I naturally study better in the comfort of my home so I decided that I wouldn't revise and instead, help out my fellow classmate who was struggling in a subject that I happen to be reasonably proficient in. "Helping her with revision? Don't bullshit me! You always try to be different and it irritates me to no end. Do you really think you are free to do as you so desire? Stop pissing off teachers, I'm warning you." Apparently helping others is prohibited now? I reckon my school favors competition over cooperation, thereby indirectly advocating selfishness and self-centredness. I feel so helpless in this school, to me it seems everything I do is always wrong :(. Everytime I strive to improve myself, them teachers would raise the bar higher and find fresh grounds on which to fault me . This may work for some students but it genuinely kills me inside. It's honestly really f**ing scary to see yourself getting weaker and more exhausted with every passing day. The pain is immeasurable and I just want to scream my lungs out. What's wrong with being different? We are human beings both alive and kicking for crying out loud. Therefore we are all entitled to our own views and perspectives and you piece of shit should learn to respect that shouldn't ya? What gives you the right to smugly decide what's good (and what's bad) for moi when you barely even know me? Go become a fortune teller, or take a hike. ^^Bear in mind this is the same teacher who seeks to physically distance me from my friends because I was "being a bad influence". Why am I even responsible for influencing others? Ever heard of victim-blaming in rape? Here's a scenario: A woman dresses in a manner revealing lots of flesh; a man finds her attractive and rapes her. In court, the woman is sentenced to jail because she was the one who enticed the man to commit the deed. ^^Obviously, this is immoral and wrong, yes? Ultimately the man has full control over his thoughts and actions; he can certainly to rein in sinful intentions. AND, just like how it is in fact entirely up to the man whether to keep his hands to himself, it's also for my classmates to decide whether they wish to be influenced by me or not. So why am I being blamed? I could seek a school transfer, but what's holding me back? My speech problems. It gets so bad that I can't even enunciate my name properly on occasion (which is probably going to give my new school a pretty shitty impression of me.) so I guess I'll just have to stay put for now. *Lets out big sigh*. |
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