Mind drawing a blank after trying to kill myself |
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By toukendanshi  I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt last Tuesday and went back to school just two days later to resit an earlier scheduled weighted assessment. In the end I absolutely screwed up my history paper because I was in the midst of coming off painkillers (wrote only one paragraph and literally spaced out afterwards); at present I am suffering from intense anxiety attacks as I am genuinely unable to recall the content of those subjects I mugged so hard for. Case in point: not too long ago I spent at least 5 hours on a single business entities question and all I had to show for was one miserable line inked on the ledger paper. If you must know, I am due back at IMH this Thursday for a follow-up, which I feel will further worsen matters because that would mean lesser preparation time for my art coursework which I've already skipped entirely last week. Both my history and principles of accounts teachers particularly dislike me, insisting I seldom pay attention in class; truth is my attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) which they are aware of has made it difficult for me to fully concentrate all the time. Anyways I am no longer permitted to attend their consultation/remedial sessions, reason being "students who can't even grasp basic concepts like average cost accounting and logging general journal entries do not deserve help" - this of course adding to my stress and exacerbating my sense of helplessness. My friends are not aware I tried to kill myself as I told them that I was merely down with a bout of gastric flu......that being said I find it increasingly difficult to socialize with others, fearful I will be judged if the truth ever came to light. These days I no longer feel like getting out of bed. My tank is near empty; I have zero desire whatsoever to pore over my notes nor listen to folks berate me for being a lazy, good-for-nothing piece of shit. Yahoo, I am failing spectacularly despite my best efforts, come what may perhaps I shan't care about anything anymore. |
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YOU MAY WISH TO READ: An 18 year old me would never expect to even make it past 20. Don't kill yourself, for yourself. Hypothetical: What happens if you end your life dear gal? |
