I am experiencing depressive episodes and having suicidal thoughts |
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By oilosers  I don’t know where to start. I haven’t been feeling good. I’ve had constant suicidal thoughts, urges to drop out of school and an overall desire to simply disappear and not do anything at all. I believe I am almost shutting down. My mind is unraveling, and I feel really, really sucky right now. My dad had always encouraged me to enrol in a junior college. Now I’m attending one, I’m not doing good at all. I recently confided in him I was contemplating suicide, yet instead of being consoled I was slapped, albeit not harshly. To be frank, I don’t know how to react. Maybe he thought I was f**king around, or he’s truly disappointed in me. He told me school should be a walk in the park, and probably because I’ve been leading too sheltered a life thus far that's why the thought of death came to me so easily. Thereafter he started calling my boyfriend names and opined our relationship was nonsense. In honesty my boyfriend is the most supportive person I’ve ever had. Instead of egging me on to quit my studies, he constantly reminds me to show up for classes and complete my school work. Then again I’ve been invalidated my whole life. I’ve always been told I am blessed with much, that I should be grateful and there’s absolutely nothing to be unhappy about. Well shit did pile up; so now I’m here - wanting to die, wanting everything to stop. I feel like they’re right. I feel like I’m too weak, stupid and useless. Every other JC kid seems to be doing fine, especially my classmates. They’re all focused, motivated and seemingly happy within their social circles (fyi I don’t have any friends in school, only mere acquaintances). Pray tell, how do I even begin to deal with this? I just want another few days away from school even though the March holidays have recently ended. My civics tutor is aware that my mental health isn’t faring well of late, but will I be permitted to skip school even for a day? Maybe JC isn’t right for me. I felt like I’ve made the worst decision in my life, though I’m hanging on for my dad's sake. I still want to make him proud. But when I finally break apart it won't look pretty. |
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